Eric Mendelsohn's Directors Diary (completely fraudulent)

[What  follows is a harrowing account of the creation of an independent film by first time writer/director Eric Mendelsohn.  The notebook from which this text was transcribed was found discarded in a wooded area just outside of Burkittsville, Maryland, along with the director himself.]

DAY 1,   I AM BORN

Upon waking this morning I was seized with the powerful urge to write, direct and then edit my own low-budget, feature film. 

Went back to sleep.

DAY 367,   A FRESH START

Just read my last entry from earlier this year.  Odd.  I can no longer connect with the man who wrote those few lines with such passion and conviction.   I have changed.  God knows I have.  Too many days working the counter at "Papaya Mamma" have dulled this once promising mind.  Here was a man who had graduated  NYU film school and in the same day sold an "option" to the diploma, now reduced to vending tropical drinks to pimply skateboard freaks.

DAY  398  BLACK TUESDAY

How much worse can things get?  Today I got a call from my agent- Mahalia Slotkin over at Impenetrable Artists.  She says there has been absolutely no interest in my idea to write a musical version of the movie "Witness," (to be called "Amish Behavin".)  In fact, she says my manuscripts have been coming back unopened and, in some cases, in flames.   
She tried to sell me on the idea of updating a classic novel to a modern high school setting but when I proposed Moby Dick she hung up.

Must start a new project. 

DAY 400

Somethins' a' brewin'...

DAY 411

Lately my mind has been reeling with ideas for a new script.  I find it hard to concentrate. Twice today I let all the frankfurters roll off the automated rotation machine while I paused to jot down an idea.  I feel pumped.

DAY 450

It has been a long time since I wrote in these pages!  Can you guess why?  Well, just yesterday I finished the first draft of my new screenplay entitled, "Pinching Esther," (formerly, "Shaving Jesse," and before that "Clenching Victor.") I am ecstatic! I'm tempted to show it to my agent but she recently put out a restraining order against me and it's probably not her "bag" anyway. 

One thing I know for sure.  This time I'm going "indie."  I want the full out, balls-to-the-wall, take no prisoners, guerilla filmmaking experience. 

Went back to sleep.

DAY 460

"Pinching Esther" has had its' first rite of passage--  I had to change the name! Apparently Sony Pictures owns the rights to the concept of  "pinching" itself -so it's off limits.  I toyed with some others but have decided to change the name to "Judy Berlin" for no apparent reason.

DAY  500

Last night, I put together a small group of actors and read the script in an unheated garret in Soho (it's summer, so no one cared.)  I think it went pretty well.  We had a couple of walk-outs mid-way, but everyone said that that ís normal and most of the other actors made it through to the end.   I could kiss them, the dearhearts!

Everyone seemed to enjoy the piece,  except for my agent, Mahalia, who attended the reading in a bomb dismantling suit.  I've gotten tons of really great, constructive feedback which I've thrown out and now I feel ready to begin shooting the picture!


DAY 516

We are about a week away from the first day of shooting and I am up against one of the toughest decisions in my life.  Rocco, my producer, feels that a baseball hat with the name of the film embroidered on it is "done-to-death."  I think it's a classic.  Rocco says that if the crew suspects we are "green" they will walk.  I'm sure the whole thing can be worked out with a team of entertainment lawyers working non-stop through the holiday weekend but Rocco wants to be certain and is flying in personalized laptops with Judy Berlin screensavers.  My idea from a week ago! Why do I have to be the creative vision pushing this whole thing forward?   Am I the only one who is thinking ahead to the free give-away at our first Sundance screening?  Am I?  (Incidentally, I thought a live mink with the name of the film dyed into its coat would be unforgettable but the ever cautious Rocco is worried about PETA flack so I'm going with my backup idea- A Judy Berlin Starter Silver Service for Eight .)

DAY 524

Oh my dear Lord!  What have I done?  I am writing from the inside of my mother's house on the first day of shooting.  Outside I can see the crew unloading all that crap from the trucks and I feel completely nauseous.  Who are all these badly dressed people?  What do they want from me with their endless silly questions about the camera and the scenes-  I'm not a slave- I'm the writer slash director, for god's sake! 

I must get away!  I can't be party to this debacle!  It all started this morning when I realized that not only had I woken up a bit late but I had also forgotten to hire the actors.
My god, how they come down on you for a thing like that!

Wait, who's that getting out of that town car- It's Mahalia Slotkin!  She actually showed up for the first day of shooting!  And what's that?  Oh my god, my mother is out on the front step offering stuffed derma to the crew! I now realize this whole idea has been a terrible mistake.  I am going to slip out the back door of the house when everyone out front is playing around with those huge lights.  I'm going to escape and run away!  Somewhere there has to be a better way of making movies than this!  Somewhere there has to be a place where lunches and limousines are bankrolled and the insane desire to make interesting film is immediately met with a sensible "No."  I must travel west... I must-

[Here the diary comes to an abrupt end.]